THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HOMER SIMPSON Homer: Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ------ Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ------ Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ------ Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ------ Mr. Burns (Golfing with Homer): Use an open-faced club! A sand wedge! Homer: Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich. ------ Homer: For once, somebody may call me "Sir" without adding, "...you're making a scene." ------ Homer: Marge, since I'm not talking to Lisa, could you please ask her to pass me the syrup? Marge: Please pass your father the syrup, Lisa. Lisa: Bart, tell dad I'll only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat products. Bart: You dunkin your sausages in that syrup, Home boy? Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning. Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart. Homer: Bart thank your mother for pointing that out. Marge: Homer, you're not not talking to me, and secondly, I heard what you said. Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case. Bart: Ah, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to, Homer: Bart, go to your room! ------- Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college): (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T! ------ Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is. ------ Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911! ------ Homer: Woo hoo! Cheap meat! ------ Homer: Oh, Lord! Why do You mock me? Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's a waffle Bart stuck to the ceiling. (Marge pries the waffle off the ceiling.) Homer: Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but... (munch munch munch) mmm...sacrilicious. ------ Homer: Mmmm... beer. ------ Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This bible cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy. ------ Homer: Mmmm... invisible cola. ------ Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! ------ Homer: Mmmm... free goo. ------ Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) ------ Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! ------ Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk... ------ Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ------ Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ------ Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? ------ Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ------ Homer: If something goes wrong, blame the guy who can't speak English. ------ Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get. ------ Homer: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ------ Homer: Mmmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. 64 (munch munch munch)... 63 (munch munch munch) (cut to much later) Homer: 2... (munch munch munch) ... 1 (munch munch munch) Marge: Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese? Homer: I think I'm blind. ------ Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ------ Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ------ Reporter: Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space? Homer: I'll handle this... the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes... wait a minute. Statue of Liberty... THAT WAS OUR PLANET! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! (Starts sobbing uncontrollably) ------ Homer: Ahhh... sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it? ------ Homer: Mmmm... bowling alley fresh. ------ Homer: Mmmm... urinal fresh. ------ Homer: Mmmm... elephant fresh. ------ Homer: Mmmm... soylent green. ------ Homer: Mmmm... crumbled-up cookie things. ------ Homer: Awww... 20 dollars!? I wanted a peanut. Homer's brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts! Homer: Explain how. Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services! Homer: Woo hoo! ------ Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. ------ Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. ------ Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ------ Homer: Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... ------ Homer (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done (munch munch munch). ------ Apu: Howdy, neighbor! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion? Homer: Uhhh... spray the boy. ------ Homer: (On George Bush) I didn't vote for him! Marge: You didn't vote for anybody. Homer: I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical. ------ Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know? ------ Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. ------ Mrs. Crabapple: If you impose some discipline on Bart, there's no reason he can't become Chief Justice of the United States. Homer: Ooh, Chief Justice! John Marshall... Charles Evan Hughes...Warren Burger... Mmmm, burger...
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